Coffee?

Barry Whatnot was really into art and Japanese girls (and stuff like that) so imagine his delight when he met a beautiful and talented young sculptress from Nagasaki. 

 

"I'm into all things artsy and Japanesey," said Barry Whatnot in the gallery of a certain part of town that used to be just another part of town but was now considered to be the new somewhere or other part of town, if you see what I mean. "Would you like to, I dunno, maybe go for a coffee or something sometime?" 

"No thank you," said the beautiful and talented young sculptress. "I'm too busy being artsy and Japanesey for coffee or something sometime." 

The Eurovision Song Contest

Steve Borderline had always dreamed of competing in the Eurovision Song Contest.
He worked in Rumblelows and did Karaoke at the local pub every week. 
Then Rumblelows closed down and Steve Borderline lost his voice. 
He tried to get a job at Dixon's but he couldn't speak. 
He tried to get a job at Curry's but still couldn't speak. 
Steve's voice never came back, he still dreams of competing in the Eurovision Song Contest and doesn't feel his chances have been affected at all.

Father's Day

Joseph Leadbelly was feeling all manly and paternal. His new wife had a bun in the oven and was going to have a baby. Joseph was pretty sure he and his wife hadn't consummated their marriage but he was so excited about his impending fatherhood that he really didn't mind. “Maybe it will be another Jesus baby!” he said to himself, deciding on balance there was slightly less shame in being a Christian than a cuckold. 

The Broken Teapot

In a purely light-hearted way Nancy and Clara used to argue about which of them was more gay. “I am” Nancy would say. “No I am” Clara would say. After a play fight got out of hand in a tea shop in Whitley Bay, Nancy and Clara paid for the broken teapot and reluctantly agreed that all lesbians were gay, but some were more so than others. More importantly, they would now have to find a new favourite teashop to while away the day; one that would welcome all manner of couples, however straight or gay.

4 star review of my brand new show at the Brighton Fringe Festival

htmlhttp://www.fringeguru.com/reviews/brighton-2012/gerry-howells-parrot-fashion-accessories.html

Health & Safety

Amateur daredevil and water sports fanatic Mike Finesse couldn’t have regained control of his speedboat at a more fortuitous moment. At the last second he swerved to avoid a ferry containing the incomparable Swedish ladies beach volleyball team, one pristine looking member of which was so impressed by Mike’s breathtaking near miss that she decided simultaneously to jump ship, desert her compatriots, abandon any hope of Olympic medal glory, and leap spectacularly into the lap of the still calm and collected Mike Finesse.

“You were so brave when you nearly crashed into the ferry,” said the smitten Swede, running her fingers over Mike’s torso as if it was some kind of chicken-taffeta hybrid. “Do you handle a woman the way you handle your boat? If the answer’s yes then let’s make love; wild, dangerous, irresponsible love, as if there was no such thing as tomorrow or a health and safety procedure.”

“The answer’s yes,” said Mike Finesse, “I just need you to fill in this form and put this helmet on, then we can drive back to terra firma, get married on the beach (once I’ve had a chance to ask for your father’s blessing, of course) and from then on we can do it as much as you like.”

Laurels

Alfred J Hammock the 473rd, of the relaxing, reclining, oft tied between two trees, laidback, easy-living dynasty, spent most of his time, if not all of it, sitting, if not lying, all over his ancestors’ laurels. The plight of the over-privileged: poor Alfred J, he did not even have his own to sit on.